Find the power to connect through feedback

Our social network of family, friends, and colleagues is a great resource for learning about ourselves. People close to us often see different aspects of our nature, things that we say or do unconsciously, habitual thought patterns and behaviors, that we do not recognize in ourselves. These “blind spots” are nearly impossible to see clearly without feedback.

This makes requesting and receiving feedback essential to our ability to grow and learn. We cannot know what to do more of (our strengths) and what to do less of (our weaknesses) if we don’t know what those behaviors are. We don’t know what we don’t know.

While it can be hard to receive feedback, it can often be even harder to give feedback. It takes courage, integrity, and vulnerability. Yet giving and receiving feedback creates a powerful connection with others that can strengthen our social network at home and at work.

Some thoughts on giving feedback
There are ways to give feedback that are supportive and caring, even when the information is hard to communicate.

• Timing is key when giving feedback, especially when it is something the person might find difficult to hear. If you want to give someone a compliment, you do not need to think too hard about the timing because you know he or she is going to receive the feedback easily. By contrast, if you have more difficult feedback to share, pick your moment carefully – perhaps when the person is in a calm, receptive state of mind. Remember that each relationship is different and there are no clear rules about the best approach.
• Ask before you launch in. A question such as “May I offer you some feedback?” or “I would like to give you some positive feedback – are you open to that?” or “I have some slightly difficult feedback to share with you – is this a good time for it?” are good places to start. Like the timing, the exact words you choose will depend on the relationship you have with the person.  
• As you give feedback, take a moment to see how it is landing. Notice the person’s body language to determine if he or she is able to focus on what you are sharing.  Ask how the person is feeling and how your feedback is landing. This is important because it reminds the person that you care about his or her well-being. It also gives the person space and time to feel however he or she feels about what you have relayed.

Some thoughts on receiving feedback:

• Recognize when you are receiving feedback. Remember to breath and look for what is useful or right about the feedback, even if you think some aspects are wrong. Ask clarifying questions to better understand what the person giving the feedback is trying to communicate. Be curious and ask for examples and stories that illustrate the feedback, so you know you’ve understood the context.
• However uncomfortable and difficult it is, try to receive feedback with openness and gratitude. This is the best way to let the other person know it was worth the risk of sharing feedback with you. If you start to defend yourself, saying things like “I did not mean it like that” or “You misunderstood my intentions,” you miss the opportunity to see yourself from the person‘s eyes and learn something new about yourself. Doing your best to receive feedback with an open heart is a great way to tell the other person that you want their feedback.

Some thoughts on withholding feedback:
It is important to practice delivering feedback, both positive and negative. We need to know what is appreciated and what is not. People often withhold negative feedback because they are uncertain how to do it and how it will be received. But, it is important to share this feedback, even though it is hard to do. Left unsaid, such feedback can create tension that hurts the relationship.

• Withholding gradually decreases the amount of trust between people. Withholding information verbally doesn’t prevent feelings from impacting the relationship. It may be that you choose to spend less time with that person because suddenly the relationship does not feel as comfortable as it used to. The longer you wait, the worse it gets – though better late than never is still better than never.
• Do not be under the illusion that withholding feedback spares anyone’s feelings. If you care about the person, you are not helping to support your relationship by withholding what you feel. The kindest, most compassionate thing you can do is to find the courage to share what is bothering you. It may be uncomfortable for a little while, but it will bring you closer in the end.

Giving and receiving feedback are two important skills you can develop to build strong and lasting connections. Check out the resources below and look for opportunities to practice strengthening your network by regularly giving and receiving feedback.

Other Resources
Helpful feedback changes outcomes | It’s Your Yale
The art and science of feedback
Why you should ask for feedback
Great conversations change the world
Mastering the art of feedback
Building stronger and faster connections